The Porn-Off

[goodfellow]

It was Friday night, and Robin had dragged Thomas to a bar because (a) he wanted to get drunk, and (b) he didn't want to be alone and out if he was drunk since bullet-proof vests only got you so far. Robin could take down an entire crowd with a hand behind his back in a bar fight even three sheets to the wind, but it's hard to dodge a sniper if you can't walk a straight line.

"Did I even tell you about the time I fucked the Virgin Queen?" he asked Thomas loudly before curling his hand around a freshly-poured pint.

Comments

[raith_rogue]

Thomas listened with a faintly amused expression, used to these tales by now but always willing to hear more. "I'm not a bit surprised," he commented, shaking his head. "She must have told you how amazing you were many times, to keep you coming back that long."

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

Jack snorted and then swaggered closer.

"It's not hard to seduce a virgin. Now...a happily married woman who loves her husband? Getting Victoria to cheat was a feat," he interjected. He didn't care if he wasn't welcome. These were his favorite sorts of conversations.

"Captain Jack Harkness," he added, then sat down. As soon as he was settled he grinned. "Mind if I join you?" he asked, as if he hadn't already done it.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin eyed him and took another swig of his beer. "We've met," he said, and then added loudly to Thomas, "He has a boyfriend. Damn shame, isn't it." He reached over and patted Jack's knee. Okay, more like his thigh. "Too bad your good story days are over, puppy."

[raith_rogue]

Thomas' appreciative look faded to one of faint disappointment, though he gave Jack a warm smile. "Thomas Raith." He shot a private, amused look at Robin and then held out a hand. "Pleased to meet you, Captain." He was looking so forward to direct skin contact with this one, his eyes lightening from stormy blue-grey to a lighter shade of grey, though he kept his demon in check enough to keep them from going silver. Didn't want to spook the man, after all.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"Pleasure's mine," he replied, taking a solid hold to shake. Just looking at the pair of them- a billion wicked thoughts ran through his head. And they seemed to take root a little more easily than usual. He kept his eyes on Thomas, though he was keenly aware of the hand on his thigh.

"...My good story days will never be over," he said. "Being with someone now doesn't change what I've done before."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin had no intention of moving his hand if Jack didn't seem to mind it. "Oh?" He gave him his very best puckish grin. "Why don't you regale us, then."

Though his eyes slid to Thomas, interested in his reaction to touching Jack.

[raith_rogue]

Thomas licked his lips and slowly took his hand back, eyes flashing silver for a heartbeat before they faded back to a light gray. "Such a waste," he murmured softly to Robin, nearly shivering at some of the things he saw in Jack's mind.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

Jack had felt something unusual, but he wasn't sure what. It wasn't as concrete as the feeling of a psychic scrabbling around in his mind and it wasn't quite like the beings that drained the life from him. This was different. Not bad. Not bad at all. He looked Thomas over with a little more interest, then abruptly turned to Robin.

"I've been all over the universe, through more times than I can count. What kind of tale do you want? Women? Men? Aliens? I knew this beautiful being who had evolved from the insects of that planet. Kind of like a wasp. Had this giant cock that grew right out of its chest. It was unbelievable, getting fucked while it gave me the strangest blow job I've ever had with these funny little mandible things..." he said, only pausing to take a drink.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin looked at him for a moment, as if trying to decide whether to be shocked or not. And then said, "River nymph. Fucks you underwater while breathing into your mouth to keep you alive. Except they get too excited when they come to remember, and if the sex is any good at all you nearly drown."

[raith_rogue]

Thomas knew already he was out of his league in this pissing contest, so he just leaned back and looked at Jack with open curiosity, wanting to hear what he'd go with next. This night was shaping up to be pretty damn fun, for an encounter that seemed likely to end with everyone still dressed.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

Drowning didn't concern him so much, but he did like breathing. Jack gave that an appreciative nod and looked to Thomas for his contribution. When nothing seemed to be forthcoming he sat his glass on the table and licked his lips.

"I met this one alien at a diplomatic function. All of them had about fifty tentacles. We went in the coat closet and he held me in the air, not even against the wall. I had tentacles everywhere. In me, on me, around me. I felt awfully lucky when he came against someone's frock...it was like gunshots. Would have blown the back of my head off, I'm sure. Gotta say, if you meet something with tentacles it's absolutely worth it to get to know them better."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Gunshots weren't really Robin's thing these days but he could appreciate the novelty.

"Three sisters," he said. "Witches. Some say the inspiration for Macbeth. I did something to offend one of them, don't even remember what. They kept me bound by magic for three days, subjected me to every pleasure you can think of - " He licked his lips as his voice went a touch lower. "Three tongues on my cock while an invisible cock fucked me... just to start. Three days of this, with a magic fucking cockring that kept me from coming. When they finally tortured the apology out of me and let it loose, I came so hard I probably could have put someone's eye out myself.

[raith_rogue]

Thomas looked thoughtful, then shook his head and pointed to Jack. "Sorry, Robin. The tentacles win that round. Though I'm now intrigued about this cockring..." He smirked at the puck.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"Me too," Jack agreed with a nod. "A magic cockring. You must have really pissed them off," he chuckled. "But angry sex makes for good stories, too. I had a partner once, crazy son of a bitch. Mayhem was like foreplay. Best sex we ever had was after we raided this military base and he'd shot, oh, a couple dozen people. And then he had to pick a fight with me over who was carrying the goods. By the time we got back to our ship we were both bruised all to hell, lips split and sore...but my god that was the best sex I'd had in ages."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin glared a little at Thomas for the ruling, but was immediately distracted by Jack's story.

"I love that kind," he purred, and slid his hand just a little farther up his leg.

"Some of the best sex I've had... set upon by a hungry incubus. Made me come twice in ten minutes, the first time without even touching my cock. I passed out afterwards. Probably almost killed me, but what a way to go."

[raith_rogue]

Thomas shot Robin a glare, elbowing him for that one. On the other hand, ego was not to be denied, so he added, "Angry sex is fantastic, but I'm giving this round to Robin." He smirked faintly at Robin, then turned back to Jack, arching an eyebrow. "What else've you got, Captain?"

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

This would be more fun if he was drinking, he thought, so he waved over the waitress and ordered a round for the table, getting himself a double scotch.

"That's the best way to go," he said after she'd left and there was a tone in his voice like he knew. Because he did. Fucked to death was one of the more enjoyable ways to go.

"Death is always exciting. Once I was in Pompeii. Day before volcano day. There was an orgy. They had the best orgies there," he said, smiling as he reminisced. "There were these dancers. Acrobats. I love acrobats. They're so...bendy. I had one like..."

There was no good way to tell it so Jack got up and began to pantomime how he'd had a girl bent this way and a boy twisted like that and another girl over here with her hands on a different boy. It painted an interesting picture.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin's face actually went a little white at the mention of Pompeii, the day before volcano day. "They do," he said, "but I wasn't there that day."

He signaled the bartender. "Double scotch, neat." And then said, "I concede this round. Thomas, why don't you tell one?"

[raith_rogue]

Thomas looked at Robin, wondering what about that last one had gotten to him. Maybe he'd have to ask about Pompeii some day. Or maybe he'd be smart and not.

"Me? Most of my stories are positively mundane compared to you two. I mean, other than the family orgies where the wine and the virgins were both plentiful..." He wisely stuck to beer, because he wanted at least one of them to be able to leave the bar under his own power tonight.

He turned to Jack and asked, "So what's your story, Captain? How are you managing to keep up with my friend, here?" Because Robin had a lot of years under his belt, and while Jack smelled...not quite human, he didn't smell like anything else he'd ever encountered, either. Not vamp, not faerie, not wizard...

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"Me?" he asked innocently, then shrugged. "I was a Time Agent. Among other things." He smiled enigmatically and took another drink.

"I guess you could say I've been around. And when I'm unattached, and there's been long stretches of that, I enjoy myself as much as I can wherever I found myself."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin knocked back the scotch, and let the surfaced memories of Pompeii wash back into the background.

"There's no such thing as attached or unattached," he said. "Only decisions in the moment. Like the decision to call your beloved and tell him that you're going to go home with two strangers and have fantastic, meaningless sex, and then come home to him wanting him even more." He paused, and then added, "Or calling and asking if you can bring him a present."

[raith_rogue]

"I'll drink to that," Thomas added with a grin and a swallow of beer, looking at Jack for his reaction.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

Jack chuckled softly and patted Robin's shoulder. "My beloved would skin me alive, I'm sure," he said, though he wasn't so sure about how Logan might react to him bringing home a present. He might have to test those waters. He'd done all right at the club, after all...

"It's your turn," he pointed out to Robin. "Any other royalty or people of note?"

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

"A couple of emperors of China," said Robin. "And Franklin Roosevelt. Also Shakespeare of course, but I'm still pissed at him. The list goes on and on, of course."

[raith_rogue]

"The best I've got is a couple of senators," Thomas sighed, drowning his apparent sorrows in the pint in front of him.