The Porn-Off

[goodfellow]

It was Friday night, and Robin had dragged Thomas to a bar because (a) he wanted to get drunk, and (b) he didn't want to be alone and out if he was drunk since bullet-proof vests only got you so far. Robin could take down an entire crowd with a hand behind his back in a bar fight even three sheets to the wind, but it's hard to dodge a sniper if you can't walk a straight line.

"Did I even tell you about the time I fucked the Virgin Queen?" he asked Thomas loudly before curling his hand around a freshly-poured pint.

Comments

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"Me too," Jack agreed with a nod. "A magic cockring. You must have really pissed them off," he chuckled. "But angry sex makes for good stories, too. I had a partner once, crazy son of a bitch. Mayhem was like foreplay. Best sex we ever had was after we raided this military base and he'd shot, oh, a couple dozen people. And then he had to pick a fight with me over who was carrying the goods. By the time we got back to our ship we were both bruised all to hell, lips split and sore...but my god that was the best sex I'd had in ages."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin glared a little at Thomas for the ruling, but was immediately distracted by Jack's story.

"I love that kind," he purred, and slid his hand just a little farther up his leg.

"Some of the best sex I've had... set upon by a hungry incubus. Made me come twice in ten minutes, the first time without even touching my cock. I passed out afterwards. Probably almost killed me, but what a way to go."

[raith_rogue]

Thomas shot Robin a glare, elbowing him for that one. On the other hand, ego was not to be denied, so he added, "Angry sex is fantastic, but I'm giving this round to Robin." He smirked faintly at Robin, then turned back to Jack, arching an eyebrow. "What else've you got, Captain?"

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

This would be more fun if he was drinking, he thought, so he waved over the waitress and ordered a round for the table, getting himself a double scotch.

"That's the best way to go," he said after she'd left and there was a tone in his voice like he knew. Because he did. Fucked to death was one of the more enjoyable ways to go.

"Death is always exciting. Once I was in Pompeii. Day before volcano day. There was an orgy. They had the best orgies there," he said, smiling as he reminisced. "There were these dancers. Acrobats. I love acrobats. They're so...bendy. I had one like..."

There was no good way to tell it so Jack got up and began to pantomime how he'd had a girl bent this way and a boy twisted like that and another girl over here with her hands on a different boy. It painted an interesting picture.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin's face actually went a little white at the mention of Pompeii, the day before volcano day. "They do," he said, "but I wasn't there that day."

He signaled the bartender. "Double scotch, neat." And then said, "I concede this round. Thomas, why don't you tell one?"

[raith_rogue]

Thomas looked at Robin, wondering what about that last one had gotten to him. Maybe he'd have to ask about Pompeii some day. Or maybe he'd be smart and not.

"Me? Most of my stories are positively mundane compared to you two. I mean, other than the family orgies where the wine and the virgins were both plentiful..." He wisely stuck to beer, because he wanted at least one of them to be able to leave the bar under his own power tonight.

He turned to Jack and asked, "So what's your story, Captain? How are you managing to keep up with my friend, here?" Because Robin had a lot of years under his belt, and while Jack smelled...not quite human, he didn't smell like anything else he'd ever encountered, either. Not vamp, not faerie, not wizard...

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"Me?" he asked innocently, then shrugged. "I was a Time Agent. Among other things." He smiled enigmatically and took another drink.

"I guess you could say I've been around. And when I'm unattached, and there's been long stretches of that, I enjoy myself as much as I can wherever I found myself."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin knocked back the scotch, and let the surfaced memories of Pompeii wash back into the background.

"There's no such thing as attached or unattached," he said. "Only decisions in the moment. Like the decision to call your beloved and tell him that you're going to go home with two strangers and have fantastic, meaningless sex, and then come home to him wanting him even more." He paused, and then added, "Or calling and asking if you can bring him a present."

[raith_rogue]

"I'll drink to that," Thomas added with a grin and a swallow of beer, looking at Jack for his reaction.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

Jack chuckled softly and patted Robin's shoulder. "My beloved would skin me alive, I'm sure," he said, though he wasn't so sure about how Logan might react to him bringing home a present. He might have to test those waters. He'd done all right at the club, after all...

"It's your turn," he pointed out to Robin. "Any other royalty or people of note?"

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

"A couple of emperors of China," said Robin. "And Franklin Roosevelt. Also Shakespeare of course, but I'm still pissed at him. The list goes on and on, of course."

[raith_rogue]

"The best I've got is a couple of senators," Thomas sighed, drowning his apparent sorrows in the pint in front of him.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"I've got a couple of just about everyone," Jack grinned proudly. "Including a galactic minister of propriety. I'm particularly proud of getting her into bed."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin waved at the bartender for another round and announced, "This conversation is making me horny."

[raith_rogue]

"What doesn't?" Thomas asked with a smirk, then looked at Jack again with undisguised hunger. "Though in this case, I have to agree."

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

Jack smirked, snorted, then took a drink.

"Then you'll love this," he said, leaning forward. One time I was working with my partner and we were breaking into this ship, but we tripped the security system. But it turned out the security was this alien that would eat anything and we were almost devoured. We finally got to where we could escape but my partner gave me a shove, told me to wrestle it to the ground and fuck it, then locked the door behind him. So what could I do?" he smiled. "I found some wire and managed to muzzle the thing and that was the best fuck I'd had in a long time. When I caught up with my partner I rubbed it in that he missed out on a great piece of alien ass."

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin's eyes gleamed.

He leaned forward.

"I look really good muzzled in wire."

[raith_rogue]

"I recommend muzzling him with something," Thomas chimed in with a wry smirk, reaching out to run his fingertips lightly over Robin's arm, not that he needed more encouragement.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

That drew a long, deep chuckle from Jack. He took a sip and looked from Rob to Thomas and back.

"What do you muzzle him with most often?" he asked.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin only snorted at Thomas' comment, and then at Jack's, he slid his hand even farther up his thigh, nearly to his crotch now.

"We'd be happy to show you."

[raith_rogue]

"With whatever's handy." Thomas winked at Jack, keeping his hands to himself with some effort.

[im-torchwood.livejournal.com]

"As much as I love a good floor show..." Jack drawled, then polished off his drink, "...I think I'll leave you boys to your fun."

He reached down and delicately covered Robin's hand, picked it up, and moved it back to the man's own knee.

"Hey, did you ever hear the one about the two guys that walked into a bar, got chatted up, then went to the bathroom and had sex?" he asked as he got to his feet. "Maybe the next time I see you you can fill in the details of that little story."

Jack smiled and saluted them both and then headed back to the bar to settle his tab.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin looked down at his hand, and then out at Jack. He frowned.

"Hey, he's not my boyfriend or anything you know!"

[raith_rogue]

Thomas looked disappointed as Jack walked away, though he smirked faintly as Robin echoed a sentiment he'd considered uttering more than once during the conversation. "Not that it's a bad idea," he murmured, covering Robin's hand with his own and giving him a silvery-eyed glance.

[puckfellow.livejournal.com]

Robin rose from his chair so quickly that the stool almost fell over.

"Suddenly I really have to take a piss," he announced, and strode off toward the bathroom.